|
Written by Capricorn
|
Have you ever felt real hatred? It is that little cauldron that bubbles inside you. I have seen her go through it all, the sleeplessness, the constant crying, the eating disorders and the depression. There are times when she baths four or five times a day, especially after she has been to the loo. She insists that she smells dirty, when clearly she does not. She suffers nightmares, refuses to go out alone or stay in by herself. One minute she craves people’s company, the next she does not want anyone around. She has become irritable sometimes even paranoid. How could anyone be so content of robbing you of your self-respect? There are times when she is completely happy but when all of a sudden she would have a flashback of the incident and she would just fall apart. Sometimes a certain smell or the way someone brushes against her would take her back to that feeling of helplessness.
She was on top of her world. She just got her university degree, a good paying job, a new flat, even the car she had always dreamed of. She was on her way to the top, the sky being the limit. I remember all the plans we had made on what we wanted to achieve from our lives and now, all she is filled with is guilt, hatred and mistrust and even suicidal thoughts. She was full of life and now not even I could pull her out of this black spell she is in. I guess that is what makes me so mad. Not at her but at the selfless beast that forced himself on her.
Khonde was over the moon when she met Jack. She trusted him and never suspected that he could ever do such a thing to her. One day she was home alone when he dropped by for a visit. As the afternoon wore on, he became more and more agitated. Khonde had made it clear, even before, that she was not ready for a sexual relationship with him. He appeared to be very understanding. He just kissed her sweetly. She kissed him back but his kisses became aggressive and forceful. His hand then started roaming and at this point Khonde pushed him away. Somehow between his kissing her and her trying to push him away, he forced himself on her. Before she knew it, her shorts were torn off her body and she was on the floor screaming for him to stop. When she put up a fight, he kicked and punched her. She was unconscious for a while and the next thing that she remembers was her legs being pulled apart and feeling an excuriating pain when he thrust into her. She tried to scream again and push him off her but she was just too weak. Finally, she gave in to his assault, praying that the ordeal would be over soon. She cannot remember how long the whole thing lasted or when he left but she remembers getting up from a pool of blood he left her lying in.
For what seemed like an eternity later, she managed to crawl into her bathroom and she just sat under the shower crying unable to full comprehend what had just happened to her. She washed the blood off her thighs, her face and her body. She had distinct bruises in the arms, thighs and breasts.
When I went to see her late that night, I found her sitting in the corner of her bedroom in a foetal position looking dazed. At first I could not see her face clearly but as I approached her I saw just how out of it she was. I immediately panicked. Something was just not right with her. When I asked her what happened, she broke down and started crying. I wanted to call her parents but she quickly stopped me. I asked her if I could call Jack but she just froze and started breathing like she was out of breath. I was so confused I did not know what to do. She sat there crying in my arms the whole night. When morning came, she explained to me what had happened. I was so enraged. I immediately wanted to call the police but she stopped me yet again. I did not understand. How could she just let him get away with doing what he had just done to her? RAPE!!!!!!! She then blamed herself saying, she had let him in, he was her boyfriend, she had chosen to go out with him and it was all her fault. I could not believe what I was hearing. She was afraid of being blamed if she spoke about it. I tried convincing her to report him to the police but it all proved fruitless.
That day, I at least convinced her to see a doctor, who gave her the morning after pill to prevent possible conception and some antibiotics to prevent any sexually transmitted diseases. We also asked for an HIV test to be done and were given anti retroviral treatment to prevent an HIV infection. We just did not know how many other girls he had done this to. I really wanted her to speak out and shame the bastard and stop him from hurting anyone else but she could not make that step and it was not my decision to make. I supported her the best I could.
She has told me about how despondent she feels. This was the most horrific event in her life. It broke her spirit and weakened her sense of worth and self value; killed her soul. Life for her has no meaning and she feels dead inside. Each time she goes to sleep, she is tormented by recurring nightmares of the rape and has even entertained thoughts of taking her own life. She has extreme feelings of guilt, anger and shame. She is reluctant to share her problem with her family or anyone else. I tried to get her to go for counseling but that too she adamantly refuses.
She has gone through a complete character change. The once bubbly and outgoing person I knew has now become withdrawn. I have been patient and sensitive towards her. She always confides in me knowing it is not easy for her. She sometimes feels angry and takes her frustrations out on others or me but only I understand what she has been through and is still going through. The best I can do is giving her that shoulder to cry on and let her know that I really care for her no matter what.
Trackback(0)
 |
TrackBack URI for this entry
Subscribe to this comment's feed
