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Having not written in well over 2 years, I can safely say, writers block does exist, and if this was my sole source of income, I can confidently say I would be homeless and starving. It was always my desire that in the event that I make a comeback, it would be with a topic that was dear to me; something from my heart. I recently had a chance to proof read a book on Bemba marriages, principles and practices… suffice to say, the best book I have read after the Bible! This book will be published and it’s a must have for anyone trying to get back to understanding what love really means, what made our parents last so long together when they probably had more reasons not to be.
The book talks about how a man and woman would go about getting married, the practices that they had to go through and a lot more. The book is pretty thorough and sometimes quite explicit but it will resonate with anyone Bemba or not trying to hold on to the core values that make a marriage work.
As I was talking to the author about my views on the book, I stumbled upon 2 words which I am sure most will be familiar with, but in all honesty, I have to concede that my seemingly vast knowledge had not yet encountered the words1phenylethylalamine and oxytocin. See! I am not the only one. These 2 words make the basis of my article; I will try and explain them as best as I can, but the gist of the article is about these 2 words in relation to relationships and borrowing from what I have recently read, what they do in our lives given our African setting influenced by western culture.
Oxytocin2 is the hormone responsible for inducing labor and bonding with other people. Labor, being the traumatic experience it is, can have unpredictable responses in women after birth. The pain endured during labor is so strong there is a chance the mother might not want to see the cause of the pain (baby), but the initial bond between mother and child is so pivotal in the development of both parties that it is vital to create the bond as soon as the child is born. Breastfeeding your child is more than just a nutritional requirement, rather an essential act that binds mother to child from day one. The absence of this hormone has resulted in mothers refusing to accept their children and usually sessions of therapy are required to remedy this anomaly. This hormone is also present in people who are in love, usually called the hormone of love; it acts to bond people together. It is secreted during acts of sex, but as you would suspect, it is more pronounced in women, hence the need for women to feel vulnerable and needy after sex. Oxytocin is essential for a couple’s growth and companionship. As the bond grows between 2 people so does the level of Oxytocin. On some occasions, we have fondly refereed to people as being madly in love! Hold that thought! You have to be careful not to confuse buying a $25,000 car for a girl you met a week ago with being madly in love, if anything, love is a journey on which each event, is meant to build partners rather than destroy.
Phenylethylalamine on the other hand is what makes you sweep someone off their feet, doing impulsive things that in your sane mind, you would never do. We have all been there and I have fondly come to refer to it as the 18 months later hormone. Where a relationship is based on material and superficial affection and not given the chance to build its own foundation, the results are often the question “what was I thinking?” there comes a time in a relationship when no amount of words can sustain it, words have to be backed up with deeds, respect, forgiveness, acceptance and above all, perseverance and tolerance.
As mentioned earlier, I want to show how the 2 hormones tie into Bemba culture (Bemba; in the sense that I am Bemba and so far this is what I know). In ancient Bemba tradition, love was not the reason why people married, but this is not to say love was not important. The often long periods of courtship were meant to make that Oxytocin as opposed to Phenylethylalamine the dominant hormone. Agreeably, my forefathers had no way of knowing about the existence of these hormones at the time, but as medical advancement has now shown, there was a reason why customs insisted on what many these days perceive as old fashioned. In most cases, and contrary to popular belief, the woman had a say regarding the choice of husband. She was consulted, pros and cons presented; these could have been as simple as “he is good looking” to more serious traits like hard work, coming from a good family etc.
The fact that the groom also had to spend anything between 1 – 3 years staying in the girl’s village meant that he could be monitored to assess his suitability for marriage. The couple was allowed to spend time together and gifts were frequently exchanged. Though these interactions were closely monitored by elders, they were essential in helping the couple develop a bond (learn to love each other). Arranged marriages are often painted as a woman being forced into a marriage she has no consent to; in most cases, this is not the case.
Phenylethylalamine is equally essential to revealing the nature of a person. Every woman wants a man who will take risks for her, make her head spin with excitement; however, life, as so often is the case is not a one way ticket on a paved smooth road. It has a way of popping out surprises, and if Phenylethylalamine is the only reason you are with someone, the repercussions can be devastating. Nothing impulsive lasts forever. It is vital, that we allow love be a result of a long sustained and supportive friendship and not the other way round. In conclusion, we are all flawed human beings but not void of reason, often the breakdown in a relationship and that includes marriage is our inability to take the other person’s point of view. Getting back to my Bemba heritage, marriage apart from being a union of 2 people was also a union of families. The groom and bride were advised to form strong bonds with members of the opposite families; this was to ensure that acceptance was not just between the 2 people at the centre of the marriage but that a new family had been formed by their coming together. While western culture emphasizes nuclear families, African culture puts entire families if not communities at the centre of a society. Harmony among couples means the community is at peace and energies can be devoted to more productive schemes. Nothing was ever been achieved by being rigid.
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